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Society simultaneously loves the heteronormative value that dictates that femininity is for women. It’s more than just envy and jealousy, however.Īnti-femme sentiments and misogyny play are the dominant precursors of anti-feminine gay male behaviors.Īs you probably know, society doesn’t respect women. Regardless of what they say, remember that we are three-dimensional human beings with a heart, brain, and soul like theirs. People see our shamelessness and bravery, and instead of learning from this power they attempt to soak it in ill-conceived theories about what our gender expression says about our morality, worth, and humanity. I believe people can be envious of feminine gay men, because we stand strong, loud and proud, in a world that has historically, and continues to, try to silence people like us. Recognize That Your Femininity Is Powerful But what does it mean to hear that from me?īelow are some strategies to remind you that you are a beautiful warrior despite living in a world that tells you to think every way but that way. The mainstream gay movement is afraid of gays like us, as more and more they attempt to abandon radical queerness for homonormative integration. I’ve come to see that the femininity I possess is powerful. I may struggle with loving myself, but I succeed. I hear aggression-tinged comments from men for the way I dress, for how I walk, and for just existing as my most authentic self. Truth is, even as a young adult I struggle with loving my sexuality and gender expression and their intersections. I loathe using the word victim, but it seems the most accurate in terms of the young, feminine gay male experience – an experience in which we’re never even given a shot to love ourselves because we’re told not to from the start.Īnd without a powerful support system, we’re doomed to believe that we’re undesirable and unlovable way past our teenaged years.
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I now understand that I was partially a victim of a system of representation that benefits from portraying all minority groups as extreme – and partially a victim of the self-loathing that often accompanies the soul-searching years of adolescence.
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I didn’t find all the answers that night, or the next week, or month, but he set me on the path to self-love, out of the shadow of an unfortunately homonormative influence. I tried desperately to explain my thought process, hoping somehow that my distaste for feminine gay men was justified – that I would still be in the right. He sat there with me that night, on the couch opposite me, and asked me a simple question: Why? He was the first to see that I was spiraling out of control, into a place where I would’ve either ended up alone or in unbalanced relationships in which I’s ultimately position myself as the lesser because of my gender expression. It wasn’t until, out of love, my uncle checked me and showed me that my ideologies were not only harmful to myself but would be perceived as wholly problematic by others. I told any one who would listen that I would never date one. I saw other feminine gay boys as caricatures and myself as a fully three-dimensional person. I thought myself above the stereotypes – I was not like those gays, I told myself. To be honest, I didn’t even realize I hated myself as much as I was conscious of the fact that I hated others. No one celebrated feminine gay men, and I wasn’t strong or independent enough to stand on my own and celebrate myself. I hated people like me because I thought myself something worth hating. That’s all that the world had ever showed me. I began to see the things that made me different as bad. I knew I stood out.īecause people either ignored these things altogether or had something negative to say. I knew I talked like what people imagine gay men talk like. I think back to those days and wish I could go back in time, not to check or lecture myself, but to give myself the love I wasn’t getting anywhere else. I was, at that point, the amalgamation of my fear, anger, angst, confusion, and self-loathing. When I was a teenager, I was vocally adamant about not being attracted to other feminine gay boys.